It's Time to Have "The Talk"

Ok guys, we need to have "the talk."

So when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…. A stork comes…

Stop stop stop. Let’s not do it that way.

Yes, we’re going to have “the talk” but this talk is really the talk for the parents and or leaders who are going to have “the talk” with their own kids or classes.

Look, I know that having “the talk” is awkward and hard and just plain… weird. Trust me, growing up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I, like many other youth, have had plenty of chastity lessons of all kinds (and I have a story about that later), so I know it’s a weird, awkward conversation to have. The quickest way to scare (or at least humor sometimes) the youth is to say, “Alright guys, we're having a chastity lesson today.” And you can see a deer in the headlights look in some, with a lovely red color adding to their face, or hear the nervous laughter in others.  But it is an important conversation that kids and young adults alike need to have. I know everyone is going to have different opinions on this, but I want to give you some advice on how to handle it and things you should talk about. It’s “the talk” after all.

First of all to parents, when giving “the talk” to your children, don’t just say sex is bad and you shouldn’t do it until your married or don’t just say not to get anyone pregnant.  Sex isn’t a bad thing. It is human nature, part of human survival even, and not only that but it is a sacred ordinance. So when talking about it, don’t just say ‘sex is bad’ or ‘use a condom’ or ‘don’t pregnant’. What does that really teach your child? Nothing. It teaches them nothing. And in this day and age when we have a question, what do we do? We go to Google for an answer. Let me ask you, do you really want Google to teach your kids about sex? You really don’t. So, have a real conversation with your child. Tell them about what it is, whether you make it scientific or something else is up to you. But the most important thing is to let them ask questions. Don’t ever avoid their questions about it just because it makes you uncomfortable talking to them about it. Be open with them so they can trust you to not only to take them and their concerns seriously but so they can see they can come to you for other things.

Now to the church leaders, just like I said to the parents, don’t make it a shameful thing. I know that in church we love to have object lessons but if you’re having an object lesson that makes a beautiful, sacred ordinance, something bad and dirty, you need to stop. Teaching about chastity is important, especially in my church, but you have to do it in the right way. This goes for any touchy subject you're asked to teach about whether it’s about chastity or pornography (which we’ll get to later).

I’ve heard of lessons where a leader made brownies and gave them to the youth but then said she made them while cleaning the horse stable so there might be a little poop in the brownie but it should be fine and then proceeded to say that if they have sex before marriage it’s like the poop in the brownie. Ok, first of all, that’s just gross and I have a hard enough time eating chocolate pie after watching the Help. Also, you just compared this beautiful scared ordinance to poop. Do you see what’s wrong with that? Not only that but you don’t know what those youth have done. What right do you have to judge them and compare their actions to poop in a brownie? Don’t do that.

But there are good ways to teach it. Here’s an example I had in my youth.

It was in seminary when I had this particular chastity lesson. I went to early morning seminary, so like everyone else in my class I was tired and cold and just really wanted to go back to sleep. But our energetic, possibly slightly crazy, teacher made things interesting enough that she kept most of us awake. Now I don’t exactly what we were talking about in the beginning (it was really early after all) but towards the end, our teacher brought out some food. If you’ve ever worked with teenagers or will work with them, you should know the food always makes us much more aware of what is going on.

Anyway, she brings out sliced apples, chocolate, and pineapple. She passes out the apple slices first and after we all took at least a bite she asked us how it tasted. We said good, one because were teenagers, and two it’s early in the morning. Then she passes out some chocolate and we all ate it pretty fast because it’s chocolate after all. Then our teacher asked us again, how does it taste? We said good again. Then she askes which was sweeter, the chocolate or the apple? We said the chocolate. Then she passes out pieces of pineapple. Now I haven’t had a lot of pineapple up to that point, other than pizza but even then I took it off and gave it to my mom. But I eat it anyway and it wasn't half bad, but I didn’t expect it to be so sweet! So she asked us which one was sweeter, the apple, the chocolate or the pineapple. We said the pineapple was the sweetest one.

She then goes to say that the apple is like the little things we do in a relationship like holding hands and kissing. Once you had the pineapple (sex) you wouldn’t want the apple. Moral was that once you’ve had the real sweet stuff it makes the less sweet fruit not as desirable. So what we thought was just some weird snack turned into the weirdest, and honestly best, chastity lesson I have ever had and still makes me laugh to this day. It was weird and embarrassing and we couldn’t eat pineapple for a while because of it. But overall our teacher didn’t say that sex was bad and to stay away from it. Rather she taught us that sex is a beautiful, sweet, thing that we should be aware of because it is so sweet and why we should wait for it.

All of that being said to both the parents and the teachers/ leaders, let me suggest something to you about something you should talk about while having “the talk”. Talk about abuse and sexual assault. As sad and disturbing as it sounds this is something we need to talk with children about. On average, there are 321,500 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault each year in the United States. Not only that but 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse. Self-report studies show that 20% of adult females and 5-10% of adult males recall a childhood sexual assault or sexual abuse incident. This is super scary to even think about but happens much to often to not talk about with your kids. My roommates and I have this bad habit of watching Law and Order: Special Victims Unit while doing our homework...and while not doing our homework. We might have a problem… But the show shows a lot about cases of sexual assault and rape in a variety of situations. Yes, I know that it is just a show but don’t tell me that stuff like that doesn’t happen in the real world because it does.

Point is, many times when kids are touched inappropriately, they don’t feel good about it, but don’t want to say anything because a.) they don’t know why it is wrong exactly only that it makes them feel dirty and bad or b.) they don’t want to get into trouble with whoever did it or with there parents. So talk to your children about certain boundaries they should have and if an adult or anyone crosses that line that they should tell a trusted adult about it and that they won’t be in trouble for reporting it. Also, emphasize that it is not their fault for it happening to them. The earlier you have this conversation with them, the better they will be prepared if something does happen to them.

Another thing that I believe should be talked about is pornography. Pornography is evil. It is evil plain and simple. It twists the idea of what should be scared covenant and turns it into something dirty and the complete opposite of what love really is. The sad thing? It is everywhere. It’s in movies, tv shows, books, social media and more. The world we live in is different than the world our parents lived in. To get pornography in our parents day meant we had to be actively seeking it out, but today it is on our laptops, on our phones, popping up when we don’t want it.

But let me caution you when talking to your child about it, don’t ask them if they’ve seen it. Like I said before, pornography can be found everywhere and the chances are they have probably already seen some. Hank Smith, my favorite youth speaker of all time, said it best in one of his CD’s, “if you're asking your kids, ‘Are you seeing pornography?’ it’s like asking if they breathe. ‘Do you breathe air?’ … ‘No, no way, no…’ and you as the parent go, ‘Good.’ . . . so instead of hiding them, teach them. Teach them what it is and have an open relationship. ‘What are you seeing?’ ‘How often are you seeing it?’ ‘Where are you seeing it the most?’ … If you can create a culture of openness, you will win this battle. But if you punish voluntary confession, you will drive this underground.” I don’t think I can say it better than that. Create this relationship with your kids so they can come to you with their questions and concerns about anything, and when they get into trouble, they can trust that you can help them, not condemn them.

Now we call it “the talk” but that makes it sound like we only talk about it one time in our lives and it makes everything peachy. No, “the talk” should really be a lot of mini-talks over a persons childhood and adolescence. The way you do it is up to you but don’t just save everything for one big talk because that doesn’t help a child or teen. Maybe it helps you because you only have to talk about it once and be done, but it really should be throughout a child’s life. Teach them about boundaries they should have and what to do when someone crosses that boundary when they are younger. Teach them about pornography and what real love is when they begin to use the internet by themselves. Most of all, teach them about whatever they have questions about, just do it in an age-appropriate way. When your little 4 years old comes up to you and asks how babies are made, don’t say anything about a stork. Just tell them the truth in an age-appropriate way, so they will understand.

If you wonder about when to talk about something and they ask you about it, that’s probably the time to have that talk. Teach them in a kind and loving way, answer their questions, and have an open relationship with them.

So when your child comes to your and has a question about some uncomfortable topic, what will you do? Will you step around the innocent question so that your child goes to find a real answer off Google? Or when that time comes will you sit down and have a real conversation with them and answer their question?

What will you do?