Psst!!! *whispers* Guys! Can you keep a secret? Or can you keep 5 secrets?
*normal volume level*
Can I trust you?
I mean, I’m not even supposed to tell anyone what I’m about to tell you. I mean, I could get kicked out of my class for telling you even 1 thing about what I learned in class. So I gotta know, can I trust you not to tell?
How can I really trust you though? I don’t even know who you are right now, reading this. (Except my mom, Hey mom.) Maybe you want to see me fail my class, a class that’s making me do homework over the holiday weekend. Maybe you’re one of the people I’ve forced to read my blog. (Hey guys!) Maybe you're my professor or the T.A for this class and you’ll know that I told everyone about the secrets we learned in class and I’ll fail anyway. Put that way, I really have nothing to lose, do I?
Okay, I’ve decided to take the chance and trust you with 5 secrets. BUT YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE! Got it? Not a single soul! Promise? Good.
So, did you know that there are 5 secrets for effective communication? I know, right! Are you ready to have your mind blown?
Ok here are the steps for effective communication:
- The Disarming Technique
- Thought Empathy- (Repeat what they said)
- Gentle Inquiry
- Assertiveness
- Authentic Respect
These 5 steps can help you communicate with your family, your friends, your roommates, your spouse, your cat, your church group, committee, presidency, or otherwise. And it’s all for $19.95! Act today and I’ll throw in a set of Ginsu Knives! (Ok, ok, the advice is free and most likely won't help you to communicate with your cat. It just sounded like a commercial ad on t.v.)
Now, these 5 secrets to effective communication, aren't what you think when just reading them. But if you want to be a more effective communicator, it’s going to really help. Let’s begin with the first step, the Disarming Technique.
The Disarming Technique at first glance seems like the thing you do when someone criticizes you, unjustly at that, and you know you have to shut them down because they are wrong! Disarming them like you see cops do on t.v when they bad guy has a gun. But really, this first step is the opposite of that. The Disarming Technique is when you find a kernel of truth to what someone says to you, even when it is really harsh.
This step isn’t easy, at all. For this step, you have to agree to stop blaming that person for whatever they did or what you think they did. You also have to be honest with yourself.
Ok, so here’s a scenario for you to practice finding a kernel of truth in what someone says. Say that you and your son are having an argument about him playing video games and not doing his chores as you told him to finish yesterday. He says that he did do his chores yesterday but you don’t think he did. Then he yells at you that he did but your too busy taking care of a stupid, dumb, snot-nosed baby to even notice him, let alone know if he did his chores or not and that you never let him do anything fun because you hate him and love the baby more! Stop. You want to yell at him back and ground him from his video games to show him how not fun you can be, but you’re not going to do that. You are going to find a kernel of truth in what your son said.
Remember, you have to be honest with yourself. You have been busy with the baby lately, but it’s only because the baby has been sick and- no. Don’t try justifying the kernel of truth. Be honest with yourself and admit that you have been pretty busy with the baby. And after thinking a little more about what your son said, you realize that you did let him hang out with his friends the other day because you needed him home to watch the baby while you made dinner. And you have put a lot of extra chores on his shoulders when the new baby came, that added to his homework and extracurricular activities, you have been no fun lately. You also admit that you didn’t check to see if he did his chores, you just assumed he didn’t because that’s what he normally does. So even though what your son said was a little hurtful and not completely true, you can see that there is some truth to what your son said. You have been busy lately. You haven’t been letting your son have a lot of fun. You also didn’t actually check to see if he did his chores or not. Once you have found the kernel of truth, you're ready for step 2.
Step 2, Thought empathy or repeating what they said. Now I know it sounds that you repeat exactly what they said, don’t do that. This step is when you guess their emotions from the grains of truth of what they’ve said. Yes, they are angry but there is always another emotion that is underneath the anger. It’s like a chocolate bar with a gooey center. The chocolate is the anger, it’s what you see, but what is the center? Going back to the example previously, you can probably see that your son is feeling hurt and a little jealous because the baby is getting all of the attention, which is leading to his anger. So you could say, “I feel like you are hurt because of all the attention the baby has been taking, would you like to talk about it?” And this leads to step three.
Step 3, Gentle Inquiry. You invite them to share their thoughts and feelings. This involves listening to them, so you have to mean it. Not only that but if you haven’t figured it you by now, you have to listen to the other person. But not just the kind of listening you do when someone is talking to you while you're watching t.v or doing something else. You have to actively listen and empathetically listen to them. You can probably guess what empathetic listening is since these first three steps involve empathy, but active listening is very important as well. It requires that the listener fully concentrate, understand, respond and then remember what is being said. To be a great communicator is to be a great listener, and to be a great listener you need to be both a great active and empathetic listener.
Here’s an example from my favorite youth speaker. A daughter was crying and the father asked what was wrong. So the daughter told him that she didn’t have a date to the prom and she went on. The father was listening to his daughter, giving his full attention to her, actively listening. But after his daughter was done speaking, the father responded, “Honey, that’s not a problem. Get a mortgage, that’s a problem!” It wasn't that the father wasn’t listening, we can see that the father was actively listening, but he didn’t go that step further of empathetic listening. To him, her not having a date for prom wasn’t a problem (he was probably very ok with it ;) )
As humans, we strive for understanding, and when we feel understood it’s like breathing fresh air. When you love this book but no one has ever heard of it or is willing to read it, it’s discouraging. But when you find someone who loves that book too, it’s like breathing fresh air because you feel understood. Or maybe it’s a t.v show you like or even an experience you’ve had. When someone understands you, you feel great, like you’re breathing fresh air. By actively listening and empathically listening to someone, it’s letting them feel understood. So for this third step, we have to actually mean that we have to be willing to listen to what they have to say.
Step 4. Assertiveness. So after you have done steps 1-3, it’s time to talk to that person. It looks like this: When (event/circumstance), I feel/felt (emotion), because (connections/thoughts). I would like _________. I know that looks a little weird, but we’ll put it into an example with the son.
‘When you yelled at me before, I felt hurt and confused because I didn’t realize that my actions were making you feel this way. I would like to apologize and work with you to figure out a way that we can communicate better in the future so you never feel like I don’t care about you.’
This shows the other person that you have heard them out and that you want to solve the problem. It shows that you care.
Which leads to the final step, Authentic Respect, and Admiration. This is exactly what it sounds like, you tell the person truthfully what you respect and admire about them. ‘I really respect the way you have stepped up after the baby was born and admire how hard you have been working.’ Be truthful, not fake. Even if it is your worst enemy, if you look hard enough, you can find something you admire about that person. I’m sure that even Harry Potter could admire how smart Lord Voldemort, a.k.a the guy with no nose, was and possibly admire his determination, even if it was for world domination.
These 5 steps are not easy to do. Expessually if this person is doing their best to get under your skin, or they’re just yelling and cussing at you. But with time, patience, and practice, these 5 steps for better communication will help you to better solve problems or arguments that arise.
Okay, so I’ve told you the 5 secrets for effective communication. Remember, they’re secret though so you can’t tell anyone. But if you happen to put these 5 steps into practice . . . I can’t really stop you, can I? ;)
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Keep these steps in mind when you’re dealing with your crazy family over the holiday!
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