The Most Controversial Topic of All... DATING!!!

The most controversial topic of all…. DATING! Dun dun dahhhhhhh!!!!!!

I’m only half kidding. Dating has changed so much throughout the years that we don’t even know what it is anymore. Or we make fun of it. But dating is a crucial step in preparing for marriage. So why don’t we take it more seriously?

This topic is probably my favorite topic that I’ve learned about this semester (so far, I mean I still have a lot to go). Why is it my favorite? I don’t know but it is so interesting because of all the different views about it. But here is my view, you can take it or leave it and you don’t have to agree with it. But perhaps when you're reading it, you’ll find that your mind is changing a little about dating. Or not, no pressure.

There are so many ways to start off this topic but the first thing that I want to address is that “hanging out” and “dating” are NOT the same thing. A date has three components that truly makes something a date, and not just hanging out. It’s...

1. Planned
2. Paired off
3. Paid for

First, planned. You need to plan a date! This is different from hanging out. Hanging out usually spending a lot of time with a person, but not necessarily getting to know them and normally has no plan whatsoever. Now I’m not saying that you have to spend months or years planning one beautiful, perfect date that has every last detail accounted for. Don’t do that. The plan doesn’t need to be big and complicated, it can be as simple as going for a walk around the park and getting ice cream, or going on a hike, or making a dinner together. It doesn't have to be complicated or particularly fancy, but you do have to plan for it.

Second, paired off. That’s literally the definition of a date. (Well a big part of it at least.) For an individual date, it should be pretty easy to determine that you’re paired off. If it’s not, then something is wrong… Anyway, groups dates can be a lot of fun! But if it’s in a really large group, it can be hard to tell the difference between being on a date and just hanging out with friends. So one piece of advice is to BE with your date, shocking I know. But if you're on a group date with a lot of your friends, it can be hard to get to know your date more instead of talking to your friends the whole time. The whole point of going on a date is getting to know your date, not your friends. Going on a group date with your friends has a lot of benefits because there is hardly ever a dull moment and it can bring on the entertainment! Just don’t forget about your date.

Lastly, paid for. This one should be fairly obvious but I’ll say it anyway. Some things and activities cost money. So it needs to be paid for. This step goes along with the first step, planning. You don’t need to plan a big expensive date to make it a date though! I’m a college student! I don’t have money! [Taking donations FYI ;) just kidding] But you can plan a date that doesn’t cost much or at all. You just need to get creative! Honestly, those dates are probably the most fun. But if something does cost money, all I’m going to say is plan or budget for it. Let me clear though, boys don’t and shouldn’t need to pay for everything all the time. I think a good rule of thumb is that if you ask them, you should most likely pay for it because it was your idea. But take it or leave it.

Dates can be fun, simple, and just an amazing experience. But most people today simply hang out. Why? I can see lots of reasons for hanging out like...

• You don’t lead anyone one on
• You can be more yourself
• You can be less formal which in turn equals less pressure
• You don’t freeze up
• Less awkward silences
• No comitment=no rejection
• It’s easier because you can leave when you want

These are just a few reasons, and I gotta say they make sense. It is so much easier to say, “you want to hang out sometime?” versus “D-d-do you wa-want to go on a d-d-d-date with m-me?” I’m exaggerating here but asking someone out on a date is really scary. There’s rejection to think about. One study found that fewer guys are asking girls on dates because of fear of rejection. Rejection is scary, believe me, I know. But at the same time, we are going to have to face rejection all throughout our lives. Rejection from schools we want to go to, places we want to work, people rejecting your favorite candy or type of food, (looking at you Miranda! You and your Peeps hating self ;D) My point is that we are all going to face rejection, and being turned down for a single date may be disappointing, but I think it’s easier to bear than other rejections we will face. So go ask someone on a date instead of hanging out! Be brave! And in the unlikely event that something soul-crushing happens, my name is Miranda.

Here’s the next thing I want to bring up; healthy relationships. A big part of this is getting into relationships way too soon. (It’s even starting to affect the elementary schools.) Have you seen high school? People become couples after only one ‘date’ (because they really only hang out). They are then boyfriend and girlfriend until someone does something stupid, drama, etcetera, etcetera. This is 90% of high school life. And if you're a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and you’re trying to follow the Strength of Youth book in regards to dating, you get made fun of. (If you’d like to learn more about our standards in regards to dating and other topics, click on this link for more information.)
To summarise what is in the book regarding dating, overall the Youth of the Church of Jesus Christ are counseled to not date until they are 16 and even then in group dates (which I 100% agree with) and to avoid going on frequent dates with the same person. Basically, no steady dating until you are old enough to start thinking about marriage. (If you are still in high school, you are not ready to start talking about marriage. Period.) So when we try to live these standards, people easily get the wrong idea about what you're trying to do because of how dating and standards are now. If you start dating someone exclusively too soon, it really limits the number of people you can meet, which is very important when it comes to finding a companion.

Going back to healthy relationships, this is the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM for short.)

This, my friends, is RAM shows how to create healthy, strong relationships with people. So before you even begin to date someone exclusively, you should really go through these 5 stages, IN ORDER! Let me just briefly go through these stages and why they are so important to go in order with.

First, you need to know someone. This means that you have to spend time with them and be together in order to know someone. After you know them pretty well we move into the second stage, trust. We begin learning to trust that person. You shouldn’t just trust someone without knowing them first. After we trust someone, we begin to rely on them. We can’t rely on someone if we don’t trust them, can we? After that is commit. How on earth are you supposed to commit to someone you don’t know or trust or rely on? You can’t and really shouldn’t. Finally is touch. Touch is the trickiest thing because if you touch someone it can make you feel like you know them more than you really do. This is why touch is the last thing. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t hold hands or dance together or anything like that. This goes deeper than that, and I think you are all wise enough to figure out what I mean. Be sensible, have firm boundaries and use common sense.

There is so much more than I could write about with this topic, but maybe I'll save that for another post. But remember, dating helps us prepare for marriage so we need to start taking it more seriously than we do. This includes actually going on dates, not just hanging out. But while dating we need to have healthy relationships.

I know many of you probably don’t agree with me on all, or any, on this controversial topic of dating. That’s fine, but if you don’t agree, maybe ask yourself why and do some research on your own. Then tell me about it! We are to learn and grow from each other. And if you like, comment about some dates that you’ve been on that you’d want to share, good or bad!