And They Lived Happily Ever After ... the Beginning?

Dum Dum Dumdum. Dum Dum Dumdum!

Ahhh weddings. The party! The dress! The cake! What better party could you go to? Oh and here comes the bride!

Wait! I object! (Can I object my own blog?) Ok, we have a few steps to get through before the big day arrives.

My last blog post was all about dating and creating healthy relationships. This post is about what happens when you think you’ve found “the one”.

After dating we go into courtship. This basically entails the same principles of dating, (keep in mind the RAM model) but you are exclusively dating one person. During this time you really begin getting to know each other. This is where you talk about what you want in life, your goals, ambitions, and other stuff like that. Yes, you can talk about these things while dating, but I think the difference is that when courting, you are actually considering spending the rest of your life with someone versus just getting to know them as a person while dating.

Speaking of which, do you want to know a secret? When courting, YOU STILL NEED TO DATE THE PERSON! I know, shocking right? But what else do you expect? You become a ‘couple’ and think that by spending every possible second with each other you can deme yourselves a good match? No, you should still be dating each other. And by ‘dating’ I mean that one shouldn’t come over to the other's apartment and make food for them every single day. That is not a date! Do not do this! Sure, cooking together occasionally can be a fun date, but having only one person cook every day is not a date. That is what my professor would say, “basking in each other's molecules.” So, go on dates while courting.

While on these dates, you should bring up your plans for the future and be asking the question, “what do you think is important in marriage.” This is the time to see if you have similar views on things, or if you don’t but want to make it work, figure out compromises if possible. Like where you want to live and work. How you want to raise your kids, or how many kids you want to have if any at all. Talking about finances, debt, and what is important to you. For LDS couples, there is the matter of church. This is and will become very important with the new two-hour church change and putting an emphasis on families. If this is the person you think you want to live with for the rest of your life, these are the things you should talk about.

But talking is different than doing, especially about things that you think are important in a marriage. I’ve heard many stories of couples that said, ‘oh he/she said that they were going to be such a good provider and/or do all these things, but my family relies on me to do all of them.” They can say all you want about what you will do, but unless they show it in one way or another, it probably won’t happen. Actions speak louder than words. Which brings us back to dating! Because if you go on dates, real dates, *gasp!* you can actually see if what they say is true! “I’m a good provider!” Does he take you on a lot of dates that seems really extravagant and doesn’t seem like he can afford? Or does he let you do all of the plannings and paying for dates? College students don’t have a lot of money, for obvious reasons, so does he seem to have a budget and stick with it? Or does he or she say they love kids or have lots of patience? Go babysit together and find out just how well they ’love’ kids, and just how patient they are. (Also duct tape is not an answer, looking at you professor). By going on these dates while courting, you can see who that other person really is. Not only that but the patterns you establish now (while dating/ in courtship) will be the patterns you’ll do in marriage. So develop good patterns.

Now comes the moment that you have been waiting for your whole life… the proposal! (Also known as the engagement.) Oh! You’ve been waiting for this moment! The moment you log in to Facebook and say, We’re engaged! With a bunch of photos and maybe even a video to treasure the moment. Yeah, maybe not. There nothing wrong with taking pictures and cherishing the moment but is posting the news the reason you’re doing it in the first place? I hope not. That moment should really be between you and the person that you want to marry. Also, I feel like it shouldn’t have to be said, but I’m going to say it anyway. DON’T ASK SOMEONE IN FRONT OF A BIG GROUP OF PEOPLE! NO ONE DESERVES THAT KIND OF PRESSURE ON THEM!. Ok, it’s been said.

The ring. That gorgeous ring that announces to the world that you’re getting married! Just one thing on the ring. Don’t spend a lot of money on it. In fact, studies show that every dollar you spend over $250 on a ring means a less likely chance for the marriage to work out. It could be for a variety of reasons, the amount of debt it takes to obtain that ring, the stress of losing it. But the biggest one I think would be that you care more about the ring than the person you want to marry. A cheaper ring can be just as beautiful as an expensive one. [ Personally, I like ring pops are the best, cheap and yummy but let’s not get into that right now ;) ]

Ok so we have the proposal and the ring, and they said yes! You are now officially engaged! Congratulations! Now you have to plan a wedding, a reception, obtain a marriage license, plan a honeymoon, make living arrangements, look over finances and make a budget, figure out your education and or job and career, go on dates (because that never goes away) and...something else.. Oh yeah! PLAN A MARRIAGE!!! But that’s the fun part, right?

Not so much. This takes a lot of work. You have to plan for the whole wedding thing, but you also have to plan for your marriage. First, how will you pay for your wedding? Plasma is a good option I hear… So maybe that as a last resort. All over the media, we hear of big, extravagant weddings. We even have a popular tv shows such as, Say Yes to the Dress! that makes us see thousands of dollars being put on a dress or the show, Four Weddings that show brides competing with extravagant weddings to win a big honeymoon, or the popular show awhile back (or it could still be popular) Bridezilla, that makes us shake our heads and question how they ever got that way and made us promise that we would never act like that. Now as much as I love these shows, they have the whole thing backward. Weddings have become so much of the party part when it should be the marriage, the act of becoming married to your spouse. Yeah, it’s nice to have a big party and the perfect dress, but are you really going to drop 20,000 dollars on one party (yeah that’s below the average now) that, will probably start you off in debt, that will only last a few hours?

Not only that but in every single one of the shows I’ve mentioned before, they all have one thing in common. Its all about the bride. Because it’s ‘her’ special day. NO! Why have we decided that it is only the bride’s special day? Have you forgotten that the only reason for having that day at all is because she is getting married TO SOMEONE ELSE? So stop making it all about the bride. Instead, you should plan the day, with your spouse. They have opinions too. And guys, if they ask you for your opinion, don’t just say ‘I love whatever you love’, or ‘I don’t care.” Give your opinion, have some say because it’s your day too.

Congratulations! You’re married now! All the hard stuff is in the past… yeah, I can’t finish out that sentence. Many people think that after the wedding everything goes nice and easy from there when in reality, it doesn’t. You have to make a lot of adjustments within that first month and that first year. You have to share everything from responsibilities to bathroom space (good luck gentlemen) and everything else in between. You have to start thinking about someone else besides yourself. Changing your sleep schedule and how you sleep. And all while still going out on dates! This is just the tip of the iceberg. It takes a lot of work to keep a marriage going, but you married each other for a reason and you can work through everything that comes your way.
Marriage isn't like some Disney Movie where your prince charming comes and whisks you away for your happily ever after, the end. No, Cinderella and her prince probably had fights about all the mice that followed her into the castle. Sleeping Beauty and her prince probably had disagreements about a sleeping schedule and if they should keep the window open during the night or how many blankets should be on the bed. Mulan and Shang may have debated about her going out into the workforce or staying home. Just because they had their quote on quote, 'happily ever after's," doesn't mean that all the problems melt away and life is one happy song. As one of my favorite shows says, "The end... Is only the beginning."

It’s hard work but that’s what marriage is, work.